Legend has it that once upon a time a highwayman roamed the hills and trails around Buncom. He never stole money or cattle, though. His prize was something greater. Unsuspecting, the masked rider would suddenly swoop down on his victim, always a fair lady. Leaping from his horse and pulling the mask from his face, he would take the lady in his arms and kiss her soundly on the lips. Laughing, he would remount his horse. As he dashed away, along with the lingering effects of the kiss the lady would hear his parting call:
“Most bandits lust for cash or gold To fund a life of idle bliss; The Buncom Bandit risks it all To steal a lovely woman’s kiss.”
The Buncom Bandit was last observed in September 1992, when he suddenly appeared on his horse among a group of ladies touring Buncom. On that particular occasion, he was said to have known the victim beforehand. Recently, Buncom Poet Laureate J.B. Roberts penned a new ballad to commemorate that last sighting of the Bandit. Here it is:
By J.B. Roberts
Come gather round me, Buckaroos, And I’ll sing you a song, Of the bad old days in Buncom, Way back when we were young.
Yes, then our hills were stained with blood, and pity ne’er was felt, There were only Five Commandments, And the law swung from your belt.
Most bandits then stole cash and gold, To purchase all life’s blisses, But the Buncom Bandit risked it all, Just to steal some kisses.
One day the ladies came to town, Hosted by Connie Fowler, Had they known what lay in store, They’d have run for a solid hour.
The Buncom Bandit galloped up, Upon his fiery cayuse. The ladies scuttled, shrieked, and swore, To run from him was no use.
He seized the fairest by her ears, Revolted, she drew back. Alas, he kissed her on the cheeks, Smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack!
The men of town with fuss and frown, Organized a posse, Armed to the teeth to catch the thief, They shouted, “Giddy up, horsy!”
They rode him down, And said, “You clown; to hang you is our duty, And then before you start to smell, You’ll go before a jury.”
But the judge spoke loud to quell the crowd, Saying, “Let’s not be precipitous. We’ll hear the victim’s story first, Lest our verdict seem duplicitous.”
The lovely victim said, “Now, Judge, Here’s truth right to the letter. Many a kiss I’ve had before, But most of them were better.”
The judge reviewed his lore of law, And spoke to her, “My Pretty, We ought to let this doofus go. The theft was merely petty.”
If you hear of a sighting of the Buncom Bandit, please let us know at gro.m1493207613ocnub1493207613@ofni1493207613